What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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