he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
