sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
