I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
