Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
