So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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