i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
