I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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