This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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