That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
