Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize