Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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