were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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