so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
