So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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