I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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