So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I wish you could order shots online.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
