I wish I could teleport
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
