i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize