so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
