The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
