How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
