Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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