i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
