I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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