I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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