I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
