i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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