so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
