I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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