The maid of honor just puked.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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