I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
