my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Brb crying the tears of my youth
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
