so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
