I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
