I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
