I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
