I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
