When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
