24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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