Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize