i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
