I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
