No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
