We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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