He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
