from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
