I'm going to jail i love you
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize