Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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