Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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