Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
