Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
