Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize