you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Randomize
