I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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