i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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