Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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