sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
