Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
