i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
