My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
