you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
