Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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