You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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