Your face is a jimmy john
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
