You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
