we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
a search helicopter?!
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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