A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize