Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
