Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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